searching, never reaching

I’m moving this blog to Blogger/Multiply. fyi..

I went to Powerbooks yesterday evening to get some reading materials. Like my previous visits, I had to repeat the phrase ‘financial discipline’ again and again and again to control the urge to overspend. What can I say? (1) I love reading. (2) Books are expensive. (And point #2 sucks). I could go on and on, especially now that I’m reading poetry which puts a major major dent on my book budget. I was so tempted to buy a thin thin thin Sylvia Plath volume costing P600.00. And an Anna Akhmatova compilation as thick as the Inquirer for P600.00. Pushkin was something like P500. And there was this compilation of contemporary poetry that I was drooling over…

Hay naku, I swear, this is really a frivolous and unnecessary indulgence. I know that I can always download stuff off the internet, but it is really different when I read from a book. Somehow, I feel more focused on the work when I read it off paper rather than on a screen. I enjoy more and relax faster with a book. (Some of the best chillax moments in my life was spent reading a book in some coffeeshop.) Plus, since I always read before I sleep, I’m thinking that it’s way more romantic to say that "I snuggle in with a book" instead of "I snuggle in with a laptop".

Going back to my Powerbooks visit… I did not buy poetry-related stuff. Part of me was applauding for being so practical, but part of me was screaming for justice. Oh well, I figured that at this point in time, it would be a waste of money. Poetry is just enjoyment. It is, in financial lingo, an expense rather than an investment. Hence, my final decision was to buy a book on Political Economy plus a book by a Filipino author (who shall remain anonymous because I finished her book and it was really bad).

Call me a loser, but today was the first time I watched "Malena". It’s a nice film. Applauses for the very interesting character development: the fall of Malena Scordia, the coming out of Renatto, and the transformation of groupthink. The movie parades lustful men, vicious women, gossip, jealousy, and the death of an ideal. Bottomline, it makes you think… unless you’re a guy. LOL

This post is waaay late, but it’ll be a waste if I don’t share about an AMAZING night I had last Friday. It was with a guy. Several guys in fact. And girls. There were about a hundred people there…. in UP Diliman PAGASA Observatory to observe the peak of the Geminids Meteor Shower! hahahaha…

I didn’t stay that long. I arrived there at around 10:30PM and left at 3AM. But nevertheless, I counted 105 meteors which was a pretty good number considering that I blabbed away my first hour with the new blood of UP Astronomical Society. The BEST meteor was my #63 which was a green fireball with a split tail. I spotted this one while lying down at the ledge of the PAGASA Sundeck (bahala na if matagak basata kakita’g meteor!!). My second best was #105 which I saw inside the cab (with tinted windows) that I took to go home. Amazing lang because I was inside the vehicle when I saw this streak of light that was almost 40 degrees long! If the glare of the meteor’s tail was that good, I cannot imagine how it must have seen outside! Hell, it might even had a sonic boom! Sana wala, because I would have missed it.

Grabe, everything was sooo beautiful that night. By stroke of fate, we were granted a clear and transparent night that made the stars "stick out". Mars was putting on a show that time, rivaling for the first time (that I can remember, at least) the brightness of Sirius. And these two lights looked beautiful together because of the contrast of color: Mars was orange and Sirius was blue. Present nearby were the varying colors of Aldebaran, Betelgeuse, Rigel, Capella, Procyon, and Canopus. Ganda ganda ganda!

Siguro what made this night (and it is the same with all nights under the stars) was that I could feel the tiredness and the stress seeping away from me. It’s like being conscious of something heavy being pulled out from inside me, and I felt refreshed and energized. The night sky is just so beautiful and peaceful that I cannot help but be happy to witness it. It was feeling how truly small we are in the universe, but knowing that we are part of it. I guess the universe expresses its majesty in nights like this one, and because I see it and breathe it and feel it, somehow I felt that I am one hell of a lucky person to be there at that place and at that time. And for three hours, that’s what you do: marvel at the universe and the fact that you are there to "marvel" at it.

The point is, how could the stress not go away when you are so happy? The point of the activity is to be happy. And we were drunk in happiness! With meteors streaking across the sky like mad, and almost a hundred people shouting "yuuuuuuun!!!" IN CHORUS (with matching hand gestures) every time one would pass, how could one not be drunk with it? I was drunk-happy because we were laughing and talking and learning. Drunk-happy because we didn’t care about anything that time. Drunk-happy because it was cloudless and moonless. Drunk-happy because of old friends who were there and new friends made. Drunk-happy because my mind was free to laugh and cry and bleed and rest.

Truly, it was an amazing night.

One thing I like about Pablo Neruda is that he makes you feel hopeful and frustrated at the same time (which is truly a pain, believe me). But… hook, line, and sinker… here is another poem:

…

Ode to the Storm

Last night
she
came,
livid,
night-blue,
wine-red :
the tempest
with her
hair of water,
eyes of cold fire -
last night she wanted
to  sleep on earth.
She came all of a sudden
newly unleashed
out of her furious planet,
her cavern in the sky; she longed for sleep
and made her bed :
sweeping jungles and highways,
sweeping mountains,
washing ocean stones,
and then
as if they were feathers,
ravaging pine trees
to make her bed.
She shook the lightning
from her quiver of fire,
dropped thunderclaps
like great barrels.
All of a sudden
there was silence :
a single leaf
gliding on air
like a flying violin -
then,
before
it touched the earth,
you took it
in your gentle hands, great storm,
put all the winds to work
blowing their horns,
set the whole night
galloping with its horses,
all the ice whistling,
the wild
trees
groaning in misery
like prisoners,
the earth
moaning, a woman
giving birth,
in a single blow
you blotted out
the noise of grass
or stars,
tore
the numbed silence
like a handkerchief -
the world filled
with sound, fury and fire,
and when the lightning flashed
fell like hair
from your shining forehead,
fell like swords
from your warrior’s belt
and when we were about to think
that the world was ending,
then,
rain,
rain,
only
rain,
all earth, all
sky,
at rest,
the night
fell, bleeding to death
on human sleep,
nothing but rain,
water
of time and sky :
nothing had fallen
except a broken branch,
an empty nest.
.
With your musical
fingers,
with your hell-roar,
your fire
of volcanoes at night,
you played
at lifting a leaf,
gave strength to rivers,
taught
men
to be men,
the weak to fear,
the tender to cry,
the windows
to rattle -
but
when
you prepared to destroy us, when
like a dagger
fury fell from the sky,
when all the light
and shadow trembled
and the pines devoured
themselves howling
on the edge of the midnight sea,
you delicate storm,
my bethrothed,
wild as you were, did us no worng :
but returned
to your star
and rain,
green rain,
rain full
of dreams and seeds,
mother
of harvests
rain,
world-washing rain,
draining it,
making it new,
rain for us men
and for the seeds,
rain,
for the forgetting
of the dead
and for
tomorrow’s bread -
only the rain
you left behind,
water and music,
for this,
I love you
storm, reckon with me,
come back,
wake me up,
illuminate me,
show now your path
so that the chosen voice,
the stormy voice of a man
may join and sing your song with you.

Earlier this week, there was a CNN report about the organ trade in the Philippines. It was said that a certain organization is currently pushing for its legalization. Initially, I was angry and shocked. However, with so many considerations to think about I am now unsure of my reaction to the issue.

Let me place this in the context of economics. Obviously, there is a large demand for organs worldwide. Having one set of organs is a very real limitation for humans. When people get sick or injured, a need is created for more organs than what is currently and realistically present. Statistics show that the discrepancy is really large worldwide, and growing. On the flip side, people are also beginning to see that there are some organs that “can be donated” like human kidneys, for example, since it is okay to survive with just one. Offering the right incentives to the right people (say, $2,000 to a poor Filipino who lives in the slums) thus creates supply for this trade.

Now let me speculate on how the mind works when evaluating whether a kidney should be given up or not. Let us talk about a poor Filipino in the squatters area – he has a wife and five kids, he lives in a shanty made of plywood, he works as a pedicab driver and earns P150 ($3.50) on some days. This guy survives at the most basic level. He can eat, drink, and sleep. He doesn’t send his kids to school but tells them to work for additional income for the family. Somewhere along the way, this guy comes across a tipping point: a sick family member, inspiration to start a new business, whatever – he then makes a cost-benefit analysis that favors giving up of an “excess” organ. When he computes the cost of one kidney versus the benefit of sending a relative to a hospital or having a chance for a better life or sending kids to school or whatever, it becomes small because of his current living conditions. Essentially, the choice is made easier because of context.

Also, a third consideration comes in: morality. What is more “moral”, letting yourself live in terribly dire conditions without any chance of changing it, OR sacrificing something that you can live without for a chance at a better life? Well, it depends (and that is a scary answer). Morality can easily change depending on what you are and what you have. This is the materialist reality. Talk to a rich Doña and her answer to my question would be the first option. Organs are sacred because the human body is sacred. It is okay to suffer from poverty so long as your body and your soul are intact. Talk to a farmer, and he will ask how the body and soul can remain intact when you have nothing to eat. Sometimes, when you are starving, the only thing that remains sacred is your will to survive.

—

In some European countries, the government is actually supporting some of the illegal/harmful activities that people engage in. This is done in the hopes of deriving more good by sanctioning the bad. Some governments subsidize the needles that drug addicts use to inject themselves with and identified certain districts where they can socialize and get high. The results? Health risks decreased with the provision of clean needles, and the spread of diseases was curtailed due to the localization of drug use. The government was also able to provide very targeted health and social support in these areas.

The persons pushing for the legalization of organ trade in the Philippines must have this kind of logic. I was too lazy to research the details, but the general idea was to create an environment where donors could receive more benefits than what is available in the black market. Instead of having middlemen, for example, who earn P30,000 per transaction on average, an institution would regulate all this. The P30,000 can either go to the donor or to services supporting donors in general. With legally-sanctioned guidelines in place, donors would not be paid P80,000-150,000 for a kidney but P300,000 which is the “right” monetary compensation according to some folks in NKTI. With the right systems in place, donors can be monitored and the right medical benefits can be made accessible. Also, making everything transparent can make things a lot easier for people dealing with foreigners. They can sue in case of shady dealings, and have legal protection.

My two cents on the issue is that if legalization pushes through, society is giving permission for Filipinos to sell organs. And this is a really big business with an inexhaustible global market. Our social situation is desperate enough to fuel the supply for this trade. I’m scared that there might be a point where Filipinos become “containers” where organs are grown to be sold in the future. I mean, $5,000 is change for some foreign nationals, but it is hope for some of our countrymen. And what is scary about it is that it is a win-win situation. A person somewhere out there will live because he bought a kidney. The Filipino donor loses a kidney, but so what? He can live without it. Plus, he has $5,000 to change his life. I imagine a second-class people created – meant to sacrifice so much because of the realities that make it beneficial to engage in these kinds of transactions. It is very dehumanizing but sadly, it is practical. Again, this is materialist reality in the Filipino social context.

When I first saw the CNN report, there was a time when I questioned why there is still debate on the issue. Now, I am amazed by how difficult the choice would be. I still think that it is wrong, but I admit that it is a very-narrow opinion.

The other day I went to Shangrila NBS to buy some stuff. I was going over their ‘New Release’ island when I came across this locally printed book entitled "Pleiades: A Constellation of Stars". God help the author and the editor when the astro-community learns about this…

Yesterday night marked the start of astronomy season for me. Another stretch of observations and late-night sessions are up for the next couple of months.

Last night, I was lucky enough to observe with Lito who is a member of the AAVSO. We first saw Ceres by starhopping from Taurus. And then we saw Uranus in Aquarius. The planet was fairly bright, and it can be found very easily. Next, I was able to spot Neptune in Capricorn. The best thing about this observation is that we didn’t use a telescope! We used 11X80 binoculars to spot all these.

Today, I’ll try my luck with Comet Holmes. Tomorrow, I’ll give a shot for Comet Loneos. More updates to come.

For questions, please email myo@astronomy.com.ph.

It’s been more than a week since I got back from Cincinnati, and up until now I still feel energized… it’s always like this when I go see new places and meet new people. Everytime I encounter a new way of living, a different way of thinking, or an interesting culture, there is something in me that changes.

This trip was a first for me in many ways… I can say na medyo adik siya albeit very cool to go solo on my first trip out of the country. It gives more way for me to "process" the stuff that I see or experience for the very first time (like large, large, large airports), but makes gawking so very awkward =p. I was sent for training, so I don’t want to complain about the lack of companions; you can only have so many seatmates and strangers to talk to you know and I never seem to run out on that. For some reason, Americans (or is it just folks from Cincinnati?) are just sooooo friendly! People greet you in the streets, in the elevators, in the mall… and that’s pretty amazing. Anyway, some of the things that will be hard for me to forget are: security checks, jet lag, Fountain Square, Starbucks, Newport, Brookville Dam, and the LA business class lounge. I got heaps to tell about each one, but I better scrap that out before anyone gets bored.

The training was good, probably the reason why I’m perked up despite not looking it most of the time=p. I feel that I understand a lot more, and that makes me happy. It seems like a lot of puzzle pieces seem to be falling into place so that I am able to ask questions, explore on my own, experiment, and the works… after this, mura ko’g gibuhian to wherever! Plus, I met some very cool people at work. Big, big grin..

But ang amazing kaayo about this trip was the fact that I was able to talk to and/or spend time with old friends. "Payter" kaayo na of all places, I would meet Gierad in the US! And yes, I was able to talk to Sir Chris who, based from the first few lines of our phone conversation, was both extremely shocked and extremely happy to hear my voice. For me, this was the nukehead of the sudden energy burst: to be able to talk to people who have watched you grow, who share your values, and who see beyond yourself. A lot of things were put into perspective during that last 24 hours of my stay in the US…priorities, goals, consequences, choices, way of living, discipline, learning… and the fact that I should go out more!!!! Hahaha, ka-serious ba sa topic uy. Nanglaag sad tawon mi uy! Tungod asens na kaayo ni si Gierad, iya ko gi-drive around sa place so that I can take pictures of everything! And then tabi galore, sound trip, kaon2x, etc. Basta, lingaw kaayo. Matod pa ni Laput, mga Bisaya nga nasaag sa America (despite his perfect American accent… ugh!)

This experience is what KAC would call a "natural high" and I couldn’t agree more. When you see more, you want to do more and be more. Payterrrr!!!!

…

"I am so frightened, I am so frightened,

of the unexpected sunrise finishing,

of revelations

and tears and the excitement finishing."

Yevgeny Yevtushenko

NOTE: Some text messages, for the reason that I maintain a
“clean” Inbox, have been recreated. Great effort has been placed to retain
their original form. Also, some conversations in Bisaya have been translated to
Tagalog for understanding of the majority, and to minimize harshness.

<09052690045 to me> Hello? can you be my txtm8? by d
way my name is Ashley Jane?

<myo to
badz> Badz, tingnan mo nga ‘tong message na to. Puro question mark ang
ginagamit niya… wa’y klaro!

<badz to
myo> Hihihi…

<myo to ashley>
How did you get my number?

<ashley to myo>
Hi? Nanghuhula lang po ako ng number?

<myo to ashley>
Hello? Sorry, di talaga ako nakikipag txtmate? Good luck nalang sa paghahanap
ng ibang number, ok?

<badz to
myo> Gago ka talaga myo.

Next day…

<ashley to myo>
Bakit hindi ka na ngrreply?

<ashley to
myo> Ang suplado mo naman bakit hindi ka ngrreply?

<ashley to myo>
Reply ka naman bakit ba pangit ka? Ang suplado mo

<myo to
badz> Hai naku… ‘kala ni Ashley lalaki ako.

<badz to
myo> Pano niya nakuha number mo?

<myo to
badz> Hinulaan lang daw niya.

<badz to
myo> Sayang Myo… naghahanap ka pa naman ng textmate.

<myo to
badz> Hello… girl?!? No fun… I really don’t have time for this.

Later…

<ashley to myo>
Pwede po ba magtanong bakit ayaw ninyong mkpgtxtm8 pangit o mataba ka ba?

<myo to
self> Ouch! Ba’t nya alam?!? Pero wait lang, ang judgmental naman niya… hindi
naman nasusukat ang character mo dahil mataba o pangit ka… sumusobra na batang
ito…

<myo to
ashley> Dear Ashley, judging people’s actions and making conclusions based
on their imaginary appearance doesn’t seem to be very nice. Ayokong maging
textmate mo because (1) I’m a busy person and nasa office ako (2) I don’t think
txt msging is a good way of making friends kasi u cannot truly know a person
kung naka-base sa assumptions ang character ng isang tao (3) I’m a girl. Alam
mo bang sa panghuhula mo ng #, may 50% probability na hindi lalaki ang mattxt
mo? Will not text you again

<myo to
self> Buti nalang unlimited ako today…

<ashley to
myo> You are such a conceited person???

<myo to
self> Mataba, pangit, conceited… pucha, kakilala ko yata ito ah…

15 seconds later…

<09063285513 to
me> Hi? Hello can u b my txtm8 if ok by the way my name s Karen?

Alam nyo yung sa mga anime shows na biglang may sasabog kapag
may isang malaking kabobohang nasabi ang isang character? BOOOOOOM!

<myo to
badz> *** forwarded the text messages

<badz to
myo> Aba…
puro question mark din… haha. Bugo. Hihihi

<myo to
badz> I know! Bugo!!!

<myo to
badz> I added both numbers to my phone book as Ditz1 and Ditz2. I’m
beginning to like this girl.

<myo to all of you> Kung wala kayong magawa, do
yourself a favor and text Ashley/Karen para maging masaya ang buhay nyo. I was
grinning like an idiot the entire day kanina, baka gusto nyong makamtam ang
ganung uri ng “high”…Make sure lang na hindi ka mataba or pangit or your ego
will take a pounding, ok? Tsaka use proper punction marks?

<myo to the universe> Diyozzzz kohh!!! Humankind’s IQ
is depreciating at a terrifyingly astounding rate. Wish ko lang di ko talaga
kakilala ang Ashley na yan kundi sasaksakin ko siyaaaaa! I wonder if this
was done on purpose? In fairness ha, kung isa itong malaking joke, bumenta talaga
saken. Tawa ako nang tawa kanina.